Local Twitter troll, JP, logged on this morning with a brilliant idea for a Tweet that he’d been cooking up since his first peppermint mocha this season—to snark-attack Starbucks for their outright refusal to include any Christmas symbols on their Holiday cups this year. He was outraged to find that the Christian Twitter community had already sincerely expressed this sentiment. At first, he thought his Twitter feed must have been hacked by a rival troll, but to his dismay, upon further investigation, the fury streaming through his feed was all too real.
JP complains, “This is worse than the time I ironically Tweeted a picture of my lunch in a mason jar, because as usual I hadn’t done the dishes, and the entire hipster community proceeded to pack their lunches in mason jars. They probably didn’t even pack lunch til they found out they could fit it in a jar.” It turns out JP has been the secret seed of many unfortunate trends. “I just don’t get it. I try so hard to generate original material, so outrageous and absurd that no one could have possibly thought of it, just to open my laptop and see it already trending, hashtag and everything.”
JP can’t help but wonder if he’s been the victim of an elaborate practical joke. His paranoia reached its breaking point when the Christian Twitter community beat him to his own punchline regarding the Christmasless Starbucks holiday cups. It was at this point that JP decided to seek professional help for what he can only assume are paranoid hallucinations. “I was literally mid-Tweet, snarking Starbucks for pussying out of their usual enthusiasm for Christmas, when I noticed the rest of my feed was already streaming with legitimate Christian outrage over #StarbucksRedCups.”
Although we initially shared the same disbelief as JP, we tried to assure him that he wasn’t imagining things, and the rage against Starbucks was real, but to no avail. This only made matters worse, as JP was forced to conclude that we too were a manifestation of his paranoid delusions and not to be trusted. Finally, he broke down sobbing on the floor, “It isn’t fair! It just doesn’t make sense. It’s only okay if it’s ironic. I’m JP, man—I’m just playin! But they beat me to the Tweet… And they’re for real.” Shit’s outa controll.
JP has decided to take some time offline to face reality. In the meantime, here are some of E.Y.’s favorite Tweets in retaliation to the outrage Starbucks’ minimalist and inclusive holiday cups have cultivated in the Christian community.
— rob dobi (@Robdobi) November 7, 2015
— Paul Ludwig (@paulludwig) November 9, 2015
— The War On Christmas (@defeatchristmas) December 14, 2015