Monthly Archives: November 2015

Local Oak Tree Busted for Leaving Graffiti on Driveway & Sidewalk

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This morning, an oak tree in my neighborhood was cited for vandalizing public property, by scattering its leaves on rainy pavement, causing the pigment of the leaves to stain the concrete underneath them. Residents of the home adjacent to the tree contacted local police, who arrived promptly to investigate the scene.

“Graffiti has been an ongoing nuisance in our community for years,” one officer stated, “but this case is the first of its… nature. Typically, the perpetrator is a person.” Certainly, this can’t be the first time a tree has imprinted its leaves on the pavement. This is merely the first time it’s been reported.

We spoke to the residents of the affected house. It turns out Mrs. Johnson is the one who made the call. “I had no choice but to take legal action,” Johnson explained. “This tree has an extensive history of vandalism to my property. I’ve warned the tree before, numerous times, not to tarnish my driveway and my sidewalk in this manner.”

The sidewalk,” we corrected her, “not yours. Sidewalks are public property.”

“Sure, whatever,” grumbled Johnson. “The point is, as you can see, it failed to comply, and after so many repeated offenses, I’ve reached my wits end!” Johnson went on, “It’s bad enough having to hire gardeners to blow the leaves week after week, but this? Leaf-blowers don’t work on graffiti! I’m an interior decorator, and sometimes I meet clients in my home. The discoloration of my driveway conflicts with the color scheme of my house, which reflects poorly on me, as a decorator. This oak tree is losing me business, and something had to be done!”

We pointed out that the exterior of her home in no way represents her abilities as an interior designer. If anything, her failure to recognize the beauty in the tree’s seasonal street art raises more concerns about the soundness of her visual opinions. Most passersby would marvel and admire such a vision, and many do. Myself included. I’ve even stopped to pixelate the oak tree’s mural on one of my afternoon walks with my dog. Below are some more images of the scene of the crime.

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Since the dawn of life—from the cave paintings of early humans to the pavement-paintings of the trees—graffiti has plagued our habitat for far too long, but rest assured that any public artist will be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law.

Wrap It Up—The Candy Condom Problem

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Two weeks after Halloween, the true horrors of the holiday have finally come to settle in the streets—strewn with the wreckage and debris of trick or treaters, who have long since fled the scene of their attacks, shed their disguises and swallowed what evidence remains of their neighborhood raids. However, not all evidence has been disposed of. In fact, a significant amount of it remains, scattered around the suburbs, like Willie Wonka’s ashes.

Candy wrappers have come to rest in every crevice, every crack in every sidewalk, and congested every storm-drain. Whatever waste didn’t drain to the bay in Monday’s rain now occupies the sidewalks, driveways, gardens, lawns and parks of Redwood City (where I live), as if to protest last week’s post on zero-waste consuming.

In stark contrast to the packaging-free grocery store in Germany I reported on last Saturday, as usual, the USA dedicates one day a year to celebrate the core and fundamental values and customs of this country—over-consumption, excessive waste, obesity and greed. Scary, indeed. Every October 31, children nationwide take to the streets, armed with empty bags to fill, and fill them they do. And the dumps and landfills too.

Dare we try to quantify the damage? Let’s do some mental math. How many households do you think participate in Halloween? Many of which supply several bags of candy. How many assorted bags in all were purchased on behalf of Halloween? How many individual “treats” does that amount to? Each one individually wrapped. How many candy wrappers had to be produced to satisfy the national demand? I honestly have no idea, but you can bet it isn’t zero. A far cry from the waste-free lifestyle that I described last Saturday.

Yet we persist this wasteful custom year to year. Even our holidays and family traditions have evolved to represent the wickedness of our ways—selfishness, entitlement, immediate gratification… Children marching house to house demanding candy, expecting it, and worse yet, receiving it. Their greeting is misleading: “Trick or Treat?” It’s a command under the pretense of a question. We reward them, and for what? Even my dog has to do a trick to earn a treat.

Dare I say (of course I do) conditioning our children in this way just cultivates an expectation of getting exactly what we want from strangers who don’t owe us anything, and has already manifested a sense of entitlement in my and prior generations. Just look at Elliot Rodger, or the Christian outcry for a more Christmas-specific Starbucks cup, as if the Christmas color scheme isn’t exclusive enough. Just look at all those little shits on leashes pretending to be kids that are actually just tantrum-throwing “Gimme-more!” machines, the spoiled seedlings of future consumers and budding CEOs of future corporations. Rapists.

But I digress. Halloween can’t be held accountable for our entitlement and arrogance. However, our holidays have been persistent perpetrators and purveyors of waste—Halloween candy wrappers, wrapping paper, chocolate Valentines—the list goes on. The US has a compulsive packaging obsession, and it’s about time we address it.

Next year, you’ll find me handing out kiwis, oranges and bananas, pre-packaged as they are in natural wrappers, 100% compostable, not to mention considerably more nutritious than a Snickers, and arguably even more delicious. I won’t be very popular, no doubt. No problem. More for me. And whatever I can’t finish, I’ll feed to the worms, and spare the landfills.

Bodies

There’s a lot of body-love / love-your-body talk buzzing around the media right now (for instance right here on this website, every Tuesday), and it’s awesome. People are showing due love and respect for their bodies and acceptance of themselves. People are conquering all kinds of insecurities about their physical appearance, and it’s fucking wonderful, but for the ones still suffering from insecurities, these words might frustrate us or even hurt us. Love this body? …How? How are we supposed to feel when we experience this pressure to love a body we’ve spent our whole lives learning to hate?

#LoveYourBody, #BodyLove, #LoveYourself, etcetera. A person with insecurities about their looks might see these words and vaguely recognize that they’re supposed to be somehow empowering. That person might laugh at these words and shrug them off. Love my body? Gotta be kidding. Or that person might honestly consider the meaning of these words. They might try desperately to follow these instructions: Love your body. But that’s like telling somebody who’s drowning to breathe. And no matter how many times we might repeat the words, they’re never any truer. Love isn’t a voluntary function. It isn’t something we command so easily. It takes more than #LoveYourBody to really love your body.

So for those of us still learning to love ours, let’s break this love-your-body business down into digestible pieces. Baby steps. For one thing, you can’t leap all the way to loving your body without first stopping to accept it. If you’re struggling to accept your body, you’ve probably spent a considerable portion of your life comparing all your body parts and facial features to the “perfect” ones you see on tv screens and magazines. You’ve probably composed a mental list of all the right ways for these features to appear, and all the ways that yours are wrong.

Sometimes we forget those body parts and facial features aren’t decorative. Each one serves a vital function. Sometimes it helps me to remember this. When I feel critical of some part of my body, I remind myself what that part of my body does for me, or enables me to do. Loving your body doesn’t just have to be about loving the way your body looks. You might find it easier to love your body for what it does for you. So I’ve composed a handy list of all the awesome shit our body parts make possible, and reasons to appreciate them.

 

Here’s why you should love…

Your Head: The thoughts you think.

Your Skin: The things you feel. And the exceptional job it does containing all your yucky guts and innards.

Your Eyebrows and Eyelashes: All that shit they keep out of your eyes that you probably never noticed, because it wasn’t in your eyes.

Your Eyes — The things you see.

Your Nose — The scents you smell. The air you breathe.

Your Lips — The lips you kiss.

Your Mouth — The food you eat. The words you speak.

Your Neck — The tenacity with which it holds your head up.

Your Arms — The distances you reach. The things you carry.

Your Hands — The things that you create.

Your Fingertips — The things you touch.

Your Hips — The love you make.

Your Legs — The strength with which they carry you.

Your Feet — The places that they takes you.

Local Internet Troll Ironically Criticizes Starbucks Holiday Cups, Just to Discover Christian Twitter Community Beat Him to the Punch

Local Twitter troll, JP, logged on this morning with a brilliant idea for a Tweet that he’d been cooking up since his first peppermint mocha this season—to snark-attack Starbucks for their outright refusal to include any Christmas symbols on their Holiday cups this year. He was outraged to find that the Christian Twitter community had already sincerely expressed this sentiment. At first, he thought his Twitter feed must have been hacked by a rival troll, but to his dismay, upon further investigation, the fury streaming through his feed was all too real.

JP complains, “This is worse than the time I ironically Tweeted a picture of my lunch in a mason jar, because as usual I hadn’t done the dishes, and the entire hipster community proceeded to pack their lunches in mason jars. They probably didn’t even pack lunch til they found out they could fit it in a jar.” It turns out JP has been the secret seed of many unfortunate trends. “I just don’t get it. I try so hard to generate original material, so outrageous and absurd that no one could have possibly thought of it, just to open my laptop and see it already trending, hashtag and everything.”

JP can’t help but wonder if he’s been the victim of an elaborate practical joke. His paranoia reached its breaking point when the Christian Twitter community beat him to his own punchline regarding the Christmasless Starbucks holiday cups. It was at this point that JP decided to seek professional help for what he can only assume are paranoid hallucinations. “I was literally mid-Tweet, snarking Starbucks for pussying out of their usual enthusiasm for Christmas, when I noticed the rest of my feed was already streaming with legitimate Christian outrage over #StarbucksRedCups.”

Although we initially shared the same disbelief as JP, we tried to assure him that he wasn’t imagining things, and the rage against Starbucks was real, but to no avail. This only made matters worse, as JP was forced to conclude that we too were a manifestation of his paranoid delusions and not to be trusted. Finally, he broke down sobbing on the floor, “It isn’t fair! It just doesn’t make sense. It’s only okay if it’s ironic. I’m JP, man—I’m just playin! But they beat me to the Tweet… And they’re for real.” Shit’s outa controll.

JP has decided to take some time offline to face reality. In the meantime, here are some of E.Y.’s favorite Tweets in retaliation to the outrage Starbucks’ minimalist and inclusive holiday cups have cultivated in the Christian community.

Open Plea to Peet’s Coffee and New Partners Intelligentsia and Stumptown

Dear Peet’s… and Stumptown and Intelligentsia,

I don’t know to whom to address this, and therein lies the reason I’m writing. I want to address this letter to Peet’s Coffee & Tea, as well as Stumptown and Intelligentsia, whom you (Peet’s) recently acquired. Yet, you intend to keep your partners operating independently, so do I address you separately? Or are Stumptown and Intelligentsia automatically cc’ed under the umbrella of your company?

Knowing, as I do, nothing about corporate operations, acquisitions, buyouts, sellouts and the subtle differences between corporate partnerships and corporate ownership, I am in no place to predict whether you intend to absorb and conquer all your competition (in the footsteps of Starbucks), or stand by your promise to preserve the quality and individuality of your new partners. That remains to be seen, and I’ll be watching. All I can do is fear you follow Starbucks’ lead, and hope you don’t.

I wrote to Starbucks a few weeks back shaming them for their decision to close all La Boulange cafes. Starbucks acquired La Boulange in 2012, when I first worked there. My understanding of the acquisition at the time (although I had my suspicions otherwise) was a sort of exchange: Starbucks serves La Boulange pastries if La Boulange serves Starbucks coffee. Fair enough. And here we are three years later and not a single La Boulange remains.

Unless you count the six San Francisco locations original owner Pascal Rigo managed to salvage and re-open under the clever guise of a slightly different name: La Boulangerie. Fine save, Pascal, atta boy. I’ll be heading there soon for some almond croissants. But the point is, Starbucks bought La Bou in 2012, and three years later, Starbucks holds the hammer that nailed the boards on the doors and the lid on the coffin of Pascal’s vision, his baby, La Boulange.

I wasn’t in on the deal, so I don’t know what Starbucks promised or led Pascal to believe about the future and security of his prosperous and steadily-expanding cafes when he entered the deal, but I’d be willing to bet he would never have signed if he knew he was condemning all of his cafes to close. As the future owner of my currently imaginary coffee shop, I know I’d never sell for any sum of money if it meant my company would be in anybody else’s hands, because with passion comes possessiveness. Ask anyone who’s ever been in love. Centuries from now, above the doors to my cafe, no doubt still standing, will be the words “Family-Owned Since.” And “Not for Sale.”

The way I see it, the Peet’s-Stumptown-Intelligentsia partnership will play out in one of three ways:

  1. Intelligentsia and Stumptown, you have naively and unknowingly agreed to the same tragic fate as La Boulange, and come three years from now, your original locations will close when you no longer serve the greater needs of your new parent corporation, Peet’s.
  2. You (I & S) have knowingly sold out to Peet’s at the expense of the businesses / brands you built, for the personal financial gain of the individuals who signed their x’s on the line.
  3. You (Peet’s) stand by your promise to preserve Intelligentsia’s and Stumptown’s independence, and these deals go down in history as the budding seeds of a revolutionary business model, one which deviates 180 degrees from the absorb-and-conform model Starbucks follows, and instead accommodates diversity and quality, as you profess it will.

I have my doubts about the likeliness of the third scenario, but a girl can hope… and plead, and write a letter you’ll never read. And although I have my money on 1 and 2, I dare you — prove me wrong. Tyler Ricks, your (Peet’s) CMO, assures us in an interview with Sprudge that you (Peet’s) are, “not interested in rolling it up in one big brand.” Likewise, Intelligentsia co-founder Doug Zell states in the same interview that this partnership “really just allows us to pursue our mission further.”

Peet’s supplies the financial resources and customer-base to expand Intelligentsia and Stumptown to reach a wider audience, while Stumptown and Intelligentsia supply the variety Peet’s has been lacking, until now. A fair exchange for everyone. Win-win. But I can’t help but notice some striking parallels between this and the deal between Starbucks and La Bou. So what’s the catch? Is there a death sentence sealed in the fine print of this deal?

Too soon to say. Let’s wait three years.

Ultimately, I believe true pride in one’s company renders it priceless, so no sum of money is enough to justify its sale, which is why I’m skeptical of the profit-incentive that dominates corporate decision-making. The way I see it, there are two kinds of companies: The first is a vehicle for money; the second is a vehicle for someone’s vision. Something personal, precious and loved. I know which kind mine will be, even if it means that it never breaks even, but I’ll always find satisfaction in knowing my coffee will never be served in a Peet’s coffee cup.

Congratulations on your acquisitions.

Cheerio,

Dakota Snow

Savor the Taste of Zero Waste

Having grown up in the U.S., I have established a clear and rigid understanding that any food I purchase must be pre-portioned and each portion individually enclosed in some kind of packaging or wrapper or container, that ultimately I must throw away, and that is essential to the foods’ preservation and, by extension, my survival. If I want cereal, I must purchase a box of cereal (which is recyclable) with a plastic bag of cereal inside it (not recyclable). And even though I only want a bowl or two, I have to buy the box. I probably won’t finish it, and it will expire. I might throw more than half of it away.

Humans today waste in the same manner we breathe in. We inhale oxygen because we need it to survive, and we replace each breath with CO2. We consume food and other products because we need them to survive, and we replace them all with waste. We consider the waste we create (and the carbon dioxide) an unfortunate side effect of an unconscious, involuntary, life-sustaining function — (…breathing, and) Consumption — our Wonder bread and butter.

It never occurred to me until recently that waste-free consumption could exist. What would a zero-waste world even look like? I’m glad you asked. For starters, there wouldn’t be islands made of garbage that are twice the size of Texas floating in our oceans. The ground you walk on might not be carpeted with litter, for a change. A zero-waste world would simply be more healthy, clean and beautiful.

But what the fuck would a zero-waste grocery store look like?

Good question. Don’t worry, we’ll show you, but before you scroll down and find out, try to imagine… How? How could products be contained and displayed without packaging? How would the shopper transport them? How would the cashier ring them up? They need to scan the barcode, which is on the label, which is on the packaging, which doesn’t exist. So how do they do it?

A grocery store in Germany — Original Unverpackt — has stepped up to the plate to show us how it’s done. Instead of aisles divided by towering walls of shelves stocked with boxes, cans and bottles, O.U. simply displays its fresh produce in crates and stores pasta, grain, cereal, beverages, etcetera in dispensers. The shopper comes prepared with their own reusable bags, bottles, jars and containers and fills them with any desired quantity — as much or little as they please. Like this:

Image source: http://original-unverpackt.de/supermarkt/
Image source: http://original-unverpackt.de/supermarkt/

Follow this revolutionary grocer on Instagram @originalunverpackt for regular reminders of what a waste-free life would look like:

Image Source: https://instagram.com/originalunverpackt/
Just wait until you get your hands on some coffee beans that are green in more ways than one. Image source: https://instagram.com/originalunverpackt/
Consumers, consider this our long-overdue I.O.U to planet earth. These girls O.U. ...Do you? Image Source: https://instagram.com/originalunverpackt/
Consider this our long-overdue I.O.U to planet earth. These girls O.U. …Do you? Image source: https://instagram.com/originalunverpackt/
Waste-free cheese? Yes, please! Image Source: https://instagram.com/originalunverpackt/
The cheese stands alone, indeed. Image source: https://instagram.com/originalunverpackt/

If you have to see it to believe it, there it is.

So ask yourself, if this were available to you, would you take advantage? If Original Unverpackt opened a location close to you, would you shop there? How would you shop there? What would you need to do to become a waste-free consumer? Ironically, it turns out the first step to becoming a package-free consumer is purchasing your packaging. Reusable, of course. Including:

  • Jars: An ungodly amount of jars of all shapes and sizes that are durable, sealable and easy to clean. Use them to contain items like sugar, flour, pasta, rice, cereal, jelly, coffee beans, tea leaves, spices, etcetera.
  • Reusable Shopping Bags: To carry your groceries.
  • Reusable Produce Bags: To contain your produce.
  • Bottles: Durable, and easy to refill. Maybe a nice set of jugs, if that’s what you’re into.

Try adopting some of these zero-waste customs into your daily practice. Our world needs zero-waste, or as close to zero-waste as we can give her. So be conscious of the waste that you contribute. Reduce it when and where you can. Original Unverpackt makes zero-waste look easy. Cute, even. Germany demanded it; Original Unverpackt supplied it. If we could generate that same demand locally, and ultimately globally, just think how much waste we could eliminate.

Bad Romance — Continued from Last Week

If you recall, last Friday, I accompanied a friend to a court-hearing regarding the restraining order she filed against her ex. Riveting stuff, actually. The courtroom is split—half waiting room, half hearing room. Everybody waits on benches for their cases to be called. Everybody has an audience, and I got to watch these no-more-than-twenty-minute windows of people’s lives.

But the one thing that struck me the most was the set of waist-high swinging doors separating the waiting room from the hearing room. And if there’s one thing I took away from Friday’s hearing, it was this: If you want to make a man a gentleman, take him to court. If there’s one sure way to get a man to hold a door open for you, it’s serving him with legal action. Each time the judge called forward a new case, the man in question didn’t hesitate to demonstrate his chivalrous ability to hold the door open for the woman who accused him, as though this single act of due respect undoes the multitude of offenses against this woman that drove her to take him to court in the first place. Yet this pattern persisted, case after case.

Defendant after defendant, obligingly holding the door open for his accuser, passive-aggressively attempting to invalidate her claims against him, to no avail. Please note: men take women to court, too, and men take men to court, and women take women to court. It just so happened that the handful of cases I observed were women taking men to court. But let it be said that any woman who takes a man to court is liable to witness a most chivalrous display. Let it also be noted that in a set of two swinging doors, if the man accused is holding one door open for his accuser, she is sure to enter/exit through the other door.

Sometimes, all it takes to get the respect that you deserve is getting someone served. (However, legal action should only be used as a last resort, when necessary.)

How to Be Beautiful from Head to Toe

Being beautiful is a full-time job, and lots of work. It can be overwhelming and confusing to keep up with. Every day, gazillions of magazines and websites have new tips and advice, new fashion rules to follow, new products to use and new trends to conform to. So I thought I’d save you all the trouble and break beauty down into nine easy steps, from head to toe.

 

Hair: Wash and brush your hair. Or don’t. Dye it, dread it, style it, shave it off, do nothing with it. Edward Scissorhands that shit. Whatever you want to do. It’s your hair. Use it to espress yourself.

Eyebrows: Just leave these things the fuck alone. Quit waxing them off just to paint them back on again every morning. Unless your unibrow impairs your vision, leave that shit alone. Thread or pluck your brows a little, if they’re totally atrocious, if you want, or rock the caterpillar look. Do whatever makes you comfortable.

Eyes: If you enjoy dressing them up and wearing makeup, by all means, go right ahead. I know I do. Makeup is just another way of expressing yourself. But try to go au natural from time to time. Remind yourself you’re beautiful without all that. Teach yourself to wear makeup because you want to, not because you feel like you need to.

Face: Be careful not to cake your face with too much cover-up or foundation. Presumably you wear these things to hide your scars and blemishes. Unfortunately, and somewhat ironically, the makeup you use to make your skin appear more healthy is the same component causing irritation. If you let your skin breathe, you’ll be less prone to blemishes. Take a look at your industrial grade concealer and ask yourself, what are you trying so hard to hide? …And why? Your skin is nothing to be ashamed of.

Lips: Again, there’s nothing wrong with dressing up your lips, rocking the retro red-lipstick look. Pink, orange, purple, black, blue whatever. Wear whichever color suits your fancy, but don’t fuss so much about the plumpness of your lips. No, you do not need lip injections. Calm down about Scarlett Johansson; it’s not a competition. Focus more on the words coming out of your lips and the food going into them, and the people kissing them, than what they look like.

Tatas: Your only concern about your breasts should be their health. If they’re cancer-free, they don’t need fixing. Don’t put yourself through risky, expensive and unnecessary surgery simply because you want a lift. So many women agonize about their breasts. They think their nipples are too big, their chest too flat, their breasts too saggy. Take it from me with the lower-case-a-cups, as long as you have two breasts, you’ve got nothing to worry about. And if you only have one, or even none, you’re beautiful too. Breasts are just body parts. They have nothing to do with you.

Tummy: Unless your weight impairs your lifestyle or health, or holds you back from doing things you love, you’re fine. Don’t fuss so much because you have a stomach. I’d be much more worried if you didn’t. Not eating is not the answer. Eating healthy is important. Focus less on what your stomach looks like and more on the quality of food you’re putting in it.

Skin: It’s always good to take care of your skin. Keep it clean. Moisturize it. Protect it from the sun. But whatever you do, don’t give a fuck about the color of your skin, and don’t treat your skin to “fix” the pigment. Get your ass out of the tanning salon. Stop using potentially harmful products to lighten or darken it. Remember that beauty comes in any color, and it doesn’t need correcting.

Feet: Are your feet blistered, cracked and callused? Are they dirty? Do they reek? Good. That’s what they’re for. They’re feet. If your feet are baby soft and you’re not a baby, you’re probably not using them enough / correctly. Take your shoes off and go stamp around in some mud. Your feet are supposed to be disgusting. I’ve spent my whole life working on these calluses, and I couldn’t be prouder. They’ve carried me so many places. It’s like having soles built into the bottom of my feet. Saves me money on shoes. And are they beautiful? You bet. Don’t trip over your so-called imperfections.

 

Love yourself, and love your body. Take good care of it. Appreciate it and be thankful that you have it, but remember your body is just your body, and it doesn’t define you. Your physical parts are just a vehicle for transporting your soul, and proper maintenance is important, but your exterior is no indication of your actual performance or potential. Your body is yours to do with as you please, a canvas on which to paint your personality. Your clothes, your hair, your makeup and tattoos, or lack thereof — they’re all just pieces of your presentation, places to express yourself.

If you want to be beautiful, be you. Just be yourself. Be-you-tiful.

5 Things Dogs Do Every Day That No Human Could Ever Get Away With

Having been my dog for Halloween this year, I feel I speak from experience when I say this. It’s funny how strictly bound we are by social norms, while our pets are free to be as wild as they please. Just think about all the disgusting things dogs get away with every day that we humans never could.IMG_0037

Handling of Business Anywhere

The other day, I crossed a busy intersection with my dog, and she stopped suddenly halfway across the street as traffic started moving toward us, shitting in the middle of the crosswalk. Not a care in the world.

Not that I’d want to pop a squat in public, but it’s the principle of it. I don’t have that kind of freedom. If I dropped my bottoms and relieved my bladder on my walk to work, I’d be arrested for indecent exposure. That piss would be on my permanent record. My dog, on the other hand, has taken more public dumps than I could count, and she’s never been arrested, judged or gawked at. Not at all. On the contrary, she’s been adored and praised, mid-dump, by total strangers.

Eating Fallen Food Off the Floor

We humans are only legally entitled to five seconds’ worth of fallen food. However, despite this right, there is an undeniable stigma associated with people eating fallen food, and quite frankly, sometimes five seconds just isn’t enough. What if there’s more than five seconds’ worth of damage?

Dogs, on the other hand, are encouraged to eat their owners’ fallen food. It’s unfair. Dogs can eat fallen food, but humans can’t? Why must we discriminate? I personally sneak a lot of fallen snacks, but it’s a shame that I should need to be so sneaky. Can’t a clumsy girl enjoy a dirty snack without receiving looks of judgment and disgust? I mean, I only eat it if it looks safe to eat. If there’s no saving it, I leave it to the dogs.

Sniffing Each Others’ Asses

Generally, people, and particularly men, are liable to be slapped for so much as ogling too long at someone’s ass, while dogs are free to plant their snouts eye-deep in any ass they please. Standard procedure.

Again, it’s not that I enjoy the smell of booty; it’s the freedom that I envy. Not only are humans taught to keep our distance, but on top of that, we barricade our asses underneath layers upon layers of clothes, so even if we manage to sneak a glance (or god forbid, a handful) of a fine ass passing by, we’d have to do considerable digging before we reach the real thing, and by then, we would have several legal offenses on our hands. Dogs, however, flaunt their asses openly, invitingly and proudly—totally commando, tails up, which leads me to my next point.

Simultaneously Sustaining Multiple Romantic Relationships

Humans do this too, but it inevitably tends to get messy. Somehow, dogs get around without the drama. How they do it is a mystery to me. Trust me, I’m trying, but it’s difficult to juggle several gentlemen at once. We humans get so hung up on our emotions—jealousy, possessiveness, entitlement. In the meantime, dogs are free to jump the bones of anyone or anything. Ironically, dogs are famous for their loyalty and faithfulness, while humans who engage in multiple relationships at the same are labeled cheaters. Very strange.

Licking Their Privates

Dogs groom themselves in public, and I mean thoroughly. Anywhere their tongue can reach is liable to get a meticulous licking, and that includes their privates. Not only could I never get away with this, but it’s physically impossible for me, a human, to get my head or tongue anywhere near my nether-regions. It would be quite a shock, if not a heinous crime, for me to perform such an act in public. However, dogs are spared the shame, humiliation and disgust I would undoubtedly receive for such behavior.

 

Why do dogs receive such preferential treatment in our homo sapien society? We do their bidding—feed them, bag their waste, adore them, walk them, praise them for “tricks” as simple as sitting, and let them get away with what would otherwise be classified as unacceptable behavior—but because they’re four-legged and furry, they’re allowed? I think we humans could do with becoming more forgiving and accepting of each other. Humans should be entitled to the same wild, shameless tendencies as any other animal. It’s only fair.KissKiss

Originally published on The Daily Quirk