Tag Archives: wild

Last Meal


Sometimes, I like to get away from people. Sometimes I like to hike in the woods, or dip in the ocean, and be alone in the natural world, untouched by the reckless, destructive hands of other humans. Naturally, animals like doing these things, too. So on the off chance that one day I become a meal for a hungry critter passing by, I just want it to be known, for the record, that my dying wish is for the animal who ate me to go free, and not be euthanized.

I’ve fallen victim of no such snacking, so far, but I say this now because if and when I do, I’ll be in no condition to espress this dying wish after the fact. Cause I’ll be dead. So if it happens, I just want you all to know I am at peace with the circumstances of my passing. The animal who ate me was right to do so. The animal was hungry, and I was delicious. Plus, I’m the dumbass who wandered alone into the wild. Not your land. Not my land. The shared, free land we all inhabit.

The animal who ate me only did what the universe put it here to do: Survive. Sometimes, surviving involves eating. You and I both know this. This shouldn’t come as news. This is Fat Saturday, for fuck’s sake. A day reserved exclusively for food-related news.

People eat to survive. Some people eat animals. Animals eat to survive. Sometimes, animals eat people. It’s called the circle of fucking life. It’s only fair. So whether I die in the jaws of a shark or the claws of a grizzly bear, let the record show that the animal who took my life is not at fault. Don’t let it  pay for my life with its own. Don’t make me the killer. Don’t make me responsible for the death of an innocent being. Having gone my whole life (so far) without murdering anyone, it would be a real bummer to discover my final act on this earth resulted in a murder, compromising the clean record I’ve worked my whole life to maintain. Should my body be an animal’s last meal, you can rest assured that justice was NOT served.

In fact, dying to feed a hungry wild beast comes second only to dying warm and cozy in my bed of old age. I want to die doing what I love, seeing the world, exploring the wild. When I die, I want my body returned to earth as soon as possible. Being digested and shit out by a family of bears would certainly speed up this process. And if I’m dying anyway, why not make a meal out of it? Feeding the hungry would be a noble way to go.

Lastly, I just want to remind you all the land you walk, the body you walk in, and the life you live are borrowed. Not owned. Not unlike the food you eat. Humans live by their own rules of possession, entitlement, justice, right and wrong, but at the end of the day, we die by nature’s rules. If you can hunt an animal, an animal can sure as fuck hunt you. Don’t think you call the shots just because you hold the gun.

5 Things Dogs Do Every Day That No Human Could Ever Get Away With

Having been my dog for Halloween this year, I feel I speak from experience when I say this. It’s funny how strictly bound we are by social norms, while our pets are free to be as wild as they please. Just think about all the disgusting things dogs get away with every day that we humans never could.IMG_0037

Handling of Business Anywhere

The other day, I crossed a busy intersection with my dog, and she stopped suddenly halfway across the street as traffic started moving toward us, shitting in the middle of the crosswalk. Not a care in the world.

Not that I’d want to pop a squat in public, but it’s the principle of it. I don’t have that kind of freedom. If I dropped my bottoms and relieved my bladder on my walk to work, I’d be arrested for indecent exposure. That piss would be on my permanent record. My dog, on the other hand, has taken more public dumps than I could count, and she’s never been arrested, judged or gawked at. Not at all. On the contrary, she’s been adored and praised, mid-dump, by total strangers.

Eating Fallen Food Off the Floor

We humans are only legally entitled to five seconds’ worth of fallen food. However, despite this right, there is an undeniable stigma associated with people eating fallen food, and quite frankly, sometimes five seconds just isn’t enough. What if there’s more than five seconds’ worth of damage?

Dogs, on the other hand, are encouraged to eat their owners’ fallen food. It’s unfair. Dogs can eat fallen food, but humans can’t? Why must we discriminate? I personally sneak a lot of fallen snacks, but it’s a shame that I should need to be so sneaky. Can’t a clumsy girl enjoy a dirty snack without receiving looks of judgment and disgust? I mean, I only eat it if it looks safe to eat. If there’s no saving it, I leave it to the dogs.

Sniffing Each Others’ Asses

Generally, people, and particularly men, are liable to be slapped for so much as ogling too long at someone’s ass, while dogs are free to plant their snouts eye-deep in any ass they please. Standard procedure.

Again, it’s not that I enjoy the smell of booty; it’s the freedom that I envy. Not only are humans taught to keep our distance, but on top of that, we barricade our asses underneath layers upon layers of clothes, so even if we manage to sneak a glance (or god forbid, a handful) of a fine ass passing by, we’d have to do considerable digging before we reach the real thing, and by then, we would have several legal offenses on our hands. Dogs, however, flaunt their asses openly, invitingly and proudly—totally commando, tails up, which leads me to my next point.

Simultaneously Sustaining Multiple Romantic Relationships

Humans do this too, but it inevitably tends to get messy. Somehow, dogs get around without the drama. How they do it is a mystery to me. Trust me, I’m trying, but it’s difficult to juggle several gentlemen at once. We humans get so hung up on our emotions—jealousy, possessiveness, entitlement. In the meantime, dogs are free to jump the bones of anyone or anything. Ironically, dogs are famous for their loyalty and faithfulness, while humans who engage in multiple relationships at the same are labeled cheaters. Very strange.

Licking Their Privates

Dogs groom themselves in public, and I mean thoroughly. Anywhere their tongue can reach is liable to get a meticulous licking, and that includes their privates. Not only could I never get away with this, but it’s physically impossible for me, a human, to get my head or tongue anywhere near my nether-regions. It would be quite a shock, if not a heinous crime, for me to perform such an act in public. However, dogs are spared the shame, humiliation and disgust I would undoubtedly receive for such behavior.


Why do dogs receive such preferential treatment in our homo sapien society? We do their bidding—feed them, bag their waste, adore them, walk them, praise them for “tricks” as simple as sitting, and let them get away with what would otherwise be classified as unacceptable behavior—but because they’re four-legged and furry, they’re allowed? I think we humans could do with becoming more forgiving and accepting of each other. Humans should be entitled to the same wild, shameless tendencies as any other animal. It’s only fair.KissKiss

Originally published on The Daily Quirk